I’m a grown man who just drove to Kroger for the sole purpose of buying . . . gummy bears.
After midnight.
Drove to Kroger.
Two blocks away.
Didn’t even walk.
(There might be hooligans!)
Grown man.
Gray hair.
Gummy bears.
I blame my friend, Chris, whose social media post from earlier in the evening had said, “I hope that when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people will just say I was killed by bears, and leave it at that.”
So the craving for gummy bears was planted, and it nagged at my brain until I gave in and drove to Kroger. After midnight. On a Monday.
In my defense, I had taught 9 hours of piano lessons, and hadn’t had enough food. My healthy-eating resolve was weak.
But there was a problem at Kroger. The gummy bears were blocked by a giant stocking cart. Normally, I would just move the cart and get what I want; but this time, a Kroger employee was actively stocking shelves from the cart.
“Excuse me sir, could you move your giant cart so I can reach the gummy bears?”
Nope. Grown man. Can’t say that.
When I buy gummy bears, I do it on the sly, hiding them under the hamburger meat, or the charcoal–anything manly. Then I go through the self-checkout line and hope no one is watching when I run them over the scanner.
Determined not to have made a post-midnight trip to Kroger in vain, I pushed my cart around the store a few times, contemplating what I might say.
“Pardon me, sir, I was told to buy gummy bears. I don’t dare go home without them. Can you move your cart, please?”
Nope. Not gonna fly. Even I laughed at that one.
“Maybe he’ll soon move down the aisle a little,” I thought, circling the store a few more times.
But Mr. Candy Aisle Stocker was in no hurry. His cart was going nowhere fast.
I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to that man that wouldn’t prompt him to think, “Grown man. Gray hair. Gummy bears. After midnight. SMH!”
So I got in my car, empty-handed, and went home.
If I Google “Twelve-step program for gummy bear addiction,” will those skinny-jeans-wearing hipster children who work at Google post it on their Top-Ten-Stupid-Searches-of-the-Day list?
I’m not giving them the pleasure. Brats. Get off my lawn!
The day after I posted this ridiculous (but true) tale on Facebook, some pretty awesome students brought me a stash of gummy bears.


This was GREAT! I laughed, because I love gummy bears, too. Haribo original gummy bears please, and not any other brand, except maybe Happy Colas or now, Star Mix. (If you haven’t tried Star Mix, do. Everyone in my household loves it.) And I’m so happy your students gave you a stash of gummies a few days later. Awesome!
I have NOT tried Star Mix. Will remedy that soon.